Couplespeak™ Blog

Managing the Challenges of 2020 and the Uncertainty of 2021

If your experience of 2020 and early 2021 feels like the above image, you’re not alone! No matter what side of the political fence you’ve embraced it has been a year of loss, constraints, hopelessness, helplessness,  hatred,  anxieties and extreme division, often among members of the same family, or among friends. Not only have most of us faced differences which have felt toxic and relationship-breaking, but a daily onslaught of information and news about catastrophic events, happening now, or about to unfold. I think there has been a collective experience of trauma in this country, and probably in many places around the world. Covid 19 illnesses and deaths, loss of income, loss of faith in the System, violence, racism, uncertainty.

To that point I’m encouraging everyone to pause and reflect on a few things:

How have you been coping and how well has it served you?

  • Over-drinking or drugging?
  • Isolating?
  • Reviewing the horrors frequently with peers who get it?
  • Over-eating or over-indulging in comfort foods or sugar?
  • Targeting your loved ones with rage-outs? 
  • Overspending on Amazon?
  • Denying anything unusual is happening and proceeding without any cautions or adjustments?
  • Over-working and sacrificing sleep / self care rituals?
  • Over-thinking and going to catastrophic conclusions?

In my psychotherapy practice I’ve seen how people’s responses to the trauma either exacerbate or alleviate some of the stress, bring people together for support and meaningful action or tear them apart. Depression and anxiety are off the charts now as people struggle with feelings and thoughts that can become runaway trains in response to such triggering events.

So, instead of going through a long list of more functional coping mechanisms I’m encouraging you all to begin by examining the strategies you’re already using and taking an honest look at how well these strategies are serving you. If they calm and energize you, at what cost to yourself or others? If they provide relief, how momentary or enduring is it? Do your coping mechanisms give you any sense of meaning, agency, or connection to others whom you respect and trust? Are you finding any joy amidst all this madness? Are you protecting your mental and physical health, or has that been one price of how you’ve tried to manage?

All meaningful change begins with Contemplation, so give that it’s due. Then, if you decide to seek out different coping tools you’ll be readier to use them intentionally, creatively and effectively.

“The Softened Startup” according to the Gottmans

I’m reprinting a brief article I received from the Gottman Institute about how to approach your partner with a complaint without the complaint getting experienced as a criticism, or an attack on their character. This “softened startup” is an approach I’ve been advocating for years to couples, but I thought it was very succinctly captured in the Gottman’s article. Here it is:

In the last Marriage Minute, we talked about Criticism, the first of the Four Horsemen. To review, criticism is an attack on your partner’s character or personality, often starting with “you always” or “you never.” Or you can be more direct with criticism: “You are so lazy,” or, “That’s just like you, finding any excuse not to spend time with me.”

Fortunately, it’s reversible.

The antidote to Criticism is what we call The Softened Start-Up.

To soften your start-up means to approach a conversation with how you’re feeling about the situation, not your perception of your partner’s flaws or behavior. There’s a difference between complaints and criticism. A complaint addresses a specific instance or action and acknowledges how it made you feel.

A good formula to remember is:
I feel [your feeling]”
  • hurt
  • abandoned
  • attacked
  • left out
  • etc.
About [the specific behavior, not a pattern of behavior]”
  • “when I’m not invited to virtual happy hours with your friends,”
  • “when you don’t read the articles I send you,”
  • “when we don’t have dinner together.”
And I need [state the positive need].”
  • “to know what your preferred evening schedule looks like and how I can be a part of it,”
  • “to feel like you’re interested in the things I care about,”
  • “to spend some quality time together this week.”
Practice softening your start-up.

You can even practice together with your partner, giving advice to an imaginary couple who struggles with criticism. For example, how would you soften “You always leave dirty dishes in the sink”?

You can also apply this formula to positive things—”I feel cared for when you check in to see how my day is going!”

Next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio podcast Wed., 1/30/19 at 8:30 PM: “How to Interrupt Frustrating Impasses and Standoffs with Your Spouse”

In this 30 minute episode I explore the frequently experienced issue of standoffs or impasses in marriage – those times when couples get “locked in” to a negative sequence when nobody feels heard or acknowledged, and nothing gets resolved. These “lock-in’s” can be about critical issues of importance or minor things, but the feelings of frustration, anger, and helplessness generally feel quite awful for each spouse.

Tune in to get some handy tools this couples therapist can teach you to interrupt the impasses, manage yourself more calmly, and move forward with your spouse in a more conciliatory manner.

Join me and have to option to be live on the air with questions or comments by calling toll-free 877-497-9046.

If you can’t make the live podcast you can stream it anytime at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager.

How to Raise Your Self Esteem

If more people in the world liked and valued themselves sufficiently I don't think we'd experience nearly as much hatred, violence and division. I think couples would be happier, relying less on the magical powers of each other to "fill the tanks." I think we'd all be more balanced and present, without the need for so much "mindfulness" training. I think we'd all get to the end of our lives with a greater sense of meaning and fulfillment, having loved ourselves and ultimately each other more fully.

So, if you landed in a family which didn't mirror you properly with wonder, acceptance and love, but instead either ignored, neglected or abused you, how do you develop self esteem? (Many people I've known think that if you weren't on the "right line" at the "right time" you're screwed)!

The contradicting good news is that self esteem is something that can be cultivated through practiced thought, action and attitude, rather than only possible through an ideal childhood. The wisest, most comprehensive article I've read about this issue was by Carthage Buckley, a performance coach and prolific writer whom I had the privilege of doing a podcast with last year about building a problem-solving mindset on my BlogTalk Radio show, The Couplespeak Relationship Forum.  I've attached his article about raising self esteem through 7 exercises. Read it. Now. You'll be happy you did.

7 Simple exercises to raise your self-esteem

“Cheap Forgiveness” Podcast Wednesday, 11/8/17 8:30 PM EST

In this 15 minute episode I’ll share my insights and experiences with the issue of cheap forgiveness – what it is, and how and when it may be adaptive as the best possible “solution” to emotional injury, vs. what the costs may be to the person bestowing it and to the relationship. I’ll give a mini “life lesson” on the larger issue of forgiveness and what the options may be when an offender isn’t repentant or available to a process of true repair around an emotional injury.

To join the episode live call 877-497-9046 to come on the air with your questions, comments or story.  If you can’t make the live podcast you can listen to the recording afterward anytime at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager  

However you tune in, don’t miss this important episode!

Blog Talk Radio Host

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About
Susan Lager

I am a licensed, board certified pyschotherapist and relationship coach in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Through my psychotherapy or coaching services, I can provide you with skills and tools to transform your life.

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