Couplespeak™ Blog

Next 20 Minute BlogTalk Radio Podcast Sunday, 11/24 8:30 PM EST: “Take the Dread Out of the Holidays with Some Simple Strategies”

Don’t miss this next BlogTalk Radio podcast!
In this 20 minute episode I’ll share my insights about some of the common sources of holiday related anxiety and stress, and how being proactive and intentional can transform the season.

If you have a history of some really negative experiences related to the holidays, and struggle with how to make it all more manageable, even magical, then this episode is for you! I’ll help you see how some simple planning, realism, and clear boundaries can make all the difference. You’ll see how you alone, or you and your spouse may have the power to turn it all around to meaning, connection and joy.

Call in live with questions or comments at 877-497-9046. If you can’t make this (first ever) Sunday night podcast while it’s happening, you can stream it at your convenience anytime at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager.

Hope one way or the other you can join me!

Susan

“Being a Grownup When You Must: 6 Practical Tools” BTR Podcast Wed. 4/3 8:30 PM EST

Who wants to get up at the crack of dawn, leave a cozy, warm bed, get into a workout outfit and head to the gym for an hour of exertion and sweating?
Who wants to spend a Saturday doing the books and paperwork for their self-owned business, instead of listening to music, romping in the woods, or hanging out, eating and drinking with the people you enjoy?
Who wants to come home after eight grueling hours at the office to walk the lonely dog, answer twenty overdue emails, and cook dinner on demand?
Who wants to spend a whole beautiful Sunday afternoon in July visiting a sick friend who’s in the hospital an hour away?
Unless you’re an obsessed athlete, a compulsive accountant, a precise rule follower, or an unconscious co-dependent, you’ll probably be thinking “NOT ME!”

So, the big question becomes: how do you get yourself to honor your “Shoulds”? How do you motivate yourself to do the right thing, taking care of the not-so-fun parts of your life which require attention? How do you attend to your connections and responsibilities to your friends and family when doing so may be tiring, and not very glamorous or convenient?

Here are two of the six useful tips I’ve learned and shared with clients which I’ll be discussing in the 20 minute podcast on Wednesday 4/3/19 at 8:30 PM EST:
1. Connect with your deeper, less momentary motivation. Think about the big picture and why doing this thing is nagging at you? Will you be creating a big mess by avoiding it? Will someone else get hurt or offended if you blow this thing off? Is there a health issue which needs to be addressed in some regular way? Or, is this “Should” an unnecessary, illogical, guilt-driven piece of head noise?
2. Try to automate this activity if you can, as with exercising daily.Build it in and make it part of your schedule. By doing this you reduce conflict by pre-empting some bargaining on your part. When you automate things you spend less time thinking about how boring or annoying they may seem, (like brushing your teeth). The Nike company made multiple millions with their “Just Do It” slogan for good reason!

So, if you relate to this issue and want the other four tips about pushing yourself when it’s the grown up thing to do, tune into this brief podcast at BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

*If you’d like to join me live on the air with questions or comments call into the studio at 877-497-9046.
 

Avoidance and Denial – Not the Best Problem-Solving Strategies!


So, here’s a pretty gruesome picture of my poor thumb almost severed. Before you vomit or faint, please read on, so you can avoid creating a similar mess. (This is less of a story about blood and pain and more about how it happened).

My husband and I live in a lovely 40 year old home which has needed some window work for about the last 15 years. The windows are beautiful, all wooden framed and large, but all are what’s called “guillotine” windows. Guillotines used to be used for chopping off people’s heads, mostly during the French Revolution. When you’re referring to a window that way it unfortunately functions in the same manner  – if you don’t hold onto the top window while opening the bottom one, whatever is underneath gets chopped off, in this case almost my whole thumb, as per the nasty picture above. Fortunately, I got to the ER in time for the docs to sew the laceration back together, and now, three weeks later it’s all in one piece again.

The moral of this little story, however, is that my husband and I used avoidance and denial about the window problem for many years rather than doing our research and finding out if, in fact, they all needed to be replaced (to the tune of about $30,000.) or if we could have them repaired (cost: $3000. and one intact thumb). We just pretended the problem wasn’t really one, as we routinely positioned blocks of wood to keep windows open, or hammered top windows shut. It felt like one of those totally un-fun expenses, like getting a new septic tank or a new well, so we avoided it. The irony is that I pulled this little stunt at the beginning of the evening of my husband’s birthday, so we “celebrated” him in the ER this year.

If you too have any issues which you’ve been coping with through avoidance and denial, it might be time to ask yourself what the ultimate price may be for your “problem solving” strategy. How might you be victimizing yourself in the long run? Who else might be negatively effected if you keep pretending the problem isn’t really such a big deal? Might you be making a mountain out of a mole hill the way we did? Do you too have any body parts which might ultimately be compromised if you keep putting things off?

Think about it, and figure out some real solution to the problem…

Humbly,

Susan                                                                                                

Planning Quality Time Together

I work with several couples who love each other and want their relationships to thrive and grow, but they don’t put much effort into planning quality time together. “Busyness” has become a major rationale for many couples, as they balance the multiple roles of employee or business owner, parent, friend, relative, self-care, and partner.

I find myself telling couples with some frequency that wanted time together won’t just happen on its own when you have a lot on your plate. Wishing for it isn’t enough – you need to be more intentional about making it happen by putting it near the top of your priority list and individually and together planning.

If you’re a bit wary about whether your ideas for meaningful, fun time together will be a hit with your partner then ask them about the kinds of activities indoors and outdoors they’d enjoy. You can each make a list, put the ideas in a jar, and pick from each other’s jars, taking turns. (My “Jar Exercise” I refer to in one of my free articles you can receive by signing up). Don’t allow quality time together to become a one-person job. It’s best to share the labor of connection.  You’ll also get more “bang for your buck” by introducing novel places and activities.  Neuroscience points out the benefit of novelty to the bonding experience between couples, so try to avoid doing the same old thing every time you’re together. Try to balance tried and true rituals you both enjoy with new experiences and places. You’ll be enriching your relationship in a major way. You’ll be avoiding the big pit of “busyness” and disconnection in your relationship, and you’ll feel better about being proactive about this issue.

Start now!

“5 Foolproof Ways to Ruin Your Holidays” on BlogTalk Radio 12/14/16 8:30 PM EST

Don’t miss my next 25 minute BlogTalk Radio episode on Wednesday, December 14th at 8:30 PM EST

If you’ve been telling yourself a story about all the stresses, expenses, difficult relatives, ridiculous gifts, cards to send, the hassles of putting up and decorating the tree, Chanukah forgotten, cleaning the house, making flights on time, too much eating and drinking, getting too fat, cleaning up the house, no time for anything, then this episode is for you!

I’ll give you 5 sure methods to make all the negative spin come true, individually, and as a couple. Enough chirpy info about how to do better! Let’s look at how you can SABOTAGE any fun, joy or meaning!

Tune into www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager for live streaming, or for the recorded episode afterward, OR to join me live on the air with your own Grinch stories or ideas call into the studio at: 877-497-9046  I’d love to make it a conversation!

Blog Talk Radio Host

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Susan Lager

I am a licensed, board certified pyschotherapist and relationship coach in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Through my psychotherapy or coaching services, I can provide you with skills and tools to transform your life.

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