Couplespeak™ Blog

Covid Silver Lining

I recently met with a couple I’ve been working with for quite some time. We hadn’t met in over a month due to a number of unforeseen events, including the fact that they’d each contracted Covid within the same week. It was a shock to them considering that they’d both been vaccinated and had practiced diligent Covid safety behaviors for the past year, like mask wearing in all public places, no indoor dining, avoidance of large gatherings, etc.

As with so many of us, Covid had become the dreaded Boogeyman, especially for the husband who was immunocompromised. It had become the terrorizer, the ticket to an untimely death, if not only a protracted, lonely suffering in an over-crowded hospital. Covid was the provider of all losses:

  • no more eating out
  • no concerts
  • no sporting events
  • no presumed working in an office with all its social perks
  • no safe travel requiring plane trips
  • no movie theaters
  • no stress-free grocery shopping
  • no shield from other people’s sense of social responsibility or lack of it
  • no break from one’s partner or spouse, who now had to fulfill most needs for connection.
  • no more easy, safe, spontaneous visits with kids and grandkids

So what was their Covid Silver Lining?

  • They thought it fortunate to have both tested positive within a few days, so no need to quarantine from each other!
  • They coughed a lot, but weren’t seriously sick, and felt relieved and thankful for being mostly tired.
  • They were quite tired, so they felt legitimacy about their frequent need to sleep and nap!
  • They had previously stocked up on lots of supplies, so felt proud about preparedness, and relief not needing to shop! 
  • The end of Summer weather was lovely, so they convalesced outside, not requiring hospitalization!
  • They caught up on reading, email and TV without guilt!
  • They found a new patience and tenderness with each other, taking turns with nursing roles!
  • They had time to talk about small, private things without the pressure of work or interacting with the outside world!
  • They enjoyed “paid leave,” and discovered a new appreciation for their jobs.
  • They spent a lot of lazy time in their yard, realizing how blessed they were to live in such a beautiful place.
  • They spent 18 to 20 days together, getting a taste of “retirement,” and could now envision it!
  • But, most of all, they no longer feared the Booogeyman Covid. They had survived. They had thrived. Together.

So, with or without testing positive, what’s your Covid Silver Lining?

13 At-Home Date Night Activities to Stay Sane and Have Some Fun During Covid 19

Covid 19 has presented some difficult issues for most people, and particularly for couples who can’t safely explore many options away from home for stimulation, excitement, fun and connection. Many couples seem to have run out of ideas for what to do amidst these various constraints.

So, with her permission, I’ve republished Tamara Siegel’s article from Porch.com listing 13 at-home “Date-Night” type activities, which I think you’ll find useful!

Feel free to contact me with any ideas of your own you’d like to share -(PG rated only, please.)

13 At-Home Date Night Activities – Porch

Moving forward with therapy amidst Covid -19

To all current and prospective clients,
 
I hope you and your family are all well and managing this crisis reasonably well.
 
In the interest of safety and social responsibility I’m no longer seeing clients at the office, but instead via either
phone or video conferencing through Doxy.me, an easy to use, HIPAA compliant setup. 
All you’ll need to do is to wait for an email from Doxy.me/SusanLager telling you I’m ready to begin
your session, click on the link enclosed and you’ll be in my virtual “waiting room” until I let you into your session.
There’s no need for you to download any software or join anything. A Chrome or Firefox connection is best, but
Safari works as well. A laptop or iPad provides much better reception than an iPhone.
 
If you prefer, we can do a phone session if you don’t have access to a computer or would be more comfortable
with that. Just let me know what number you’d like me to call. 
 
*You will just need to call my VM at 603-431-7131 ahead of time to let me know your preference,
so we don’t take up your session time with these logistics.
 
I’m recommending that all clients who would be coming in for sessions under normal circumstances continue
their therapy this way, especially in these times of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, loss and isolation. All you’ll need
will be a private space and a laptop, iPad or phone for 50 minutes. This will allow you to continue our work in
the safety and comfort of your own home or private space.
 
If your are a current client I would expect us to maintain all sessions moving forward, especially in light of the
possibility that this crisis will persist for the next several months, according to infectious disease experts. Waiting
until this pandemic recedes to schedule a next session at the office may just be too ambiguous, creating a prolonged
limbo state for your relationship work. The same is true if you are a prospective client.
 
It’s of paramount importance to me that my clients have tools for support and continued growth during this highly
stressful time which challenges everyone’s fanciest coping skills, especially for couples who have already been
wrestling with relationship or family issues.
I hope you’ll avail yourself of this “new normal” way of working. 
 
Stay healthy and safe,
Susan

Rethinking Our Notions About “Productivity”

I’m sharing this beautifully written blogpost with you from Cindy Giovagnoli about expanding our definitions of “productivity.” This is a subject I find personally and professionally very relevant, and one that I think you may too, so I’m delighted that she gave me permission to reprint it here to share with you, my readers.

Cindy is a gifted photographer, artist, writer, podcaster, website developer, adventurer and nature lover whom I did a podcast with a few years ago about “Noticing.” She’s a funny, honest, wise old soul whose thoughts and ideas can be found at: StayCurious@CindyGiovagnoli.com.

Enjoy!                                                                                                                                                                                                      Susan

 

A few days ago, I took Chili Dog over to my favorite local running trails so that he and I could both stretch our legs and breathe in some wild air away from the sounds of cars and people and busy-ness.

It was drizzly and a little raw (Seattle winter, anyone?), but I actually love the woods in that weather- it feels extra quiet and mysterious and there tends to be fewer people on the trails.

As Chili and I began, I ran through my mental list of things “to do” while I was out there. I wanted to brainstorm a writing project and some website tweaks I’m making behind the scenes. I wanted to think about possible applications for some advice I’d heard on a podcast episode. Think through the structure of a class I’ll be offering locally in 2020.

I pulled up the “notes” app on my phone, ready to jot down what came to me. As I was looking down at my screen, a bigleaf maple leaf fell from the tree above me and landed across my phone.

How’s that for a sign from the universe?

As I peeled the enormous damp leaf from my phone, I realized that I’d fallen into a mindset trap that can sneak up on us without our noticing: the idea that “being productive” is the highest value on our time.
It was a Tuesday in the middle of the day- didn’t I have to justify my hours in the woods with some kind of work product?

There are two big problems with that idea:

(1) It defines “productive” as relating solely to work product, to tangible, measurable outcomes related to how I make my living. That’s a pretty narrow definition.

What about how I do my living? As in, the quality of my life? Of my days? They’re numbered, after all. Such is the reality of mortality.

So why wouldn’t my definition of “productive” include things that bring health, wellness, wonder, awe, peace, or simple joy to my days?

It should.

Walking in the woods, reading a novel, meeting a friend for great conversation over coffee, sketching in my journal, taking in an exhibit…even binge-watching Netflix in the right circumstances- these can all qualify as “productive” tasks when we broaden the definition to include the things that make our lives richer and more enjoyable.

(2) If we’ve decided that being “productive” (even in it’s broadened definition) is the absolute highest value we can place on our time, we’ve disregarded the power of blank space in our lives. And blank space is where a lot of magic happens.

Part of what led me to a “to do” list of brainstorming ideas while on a walk in the woods is the fact that I often have breakthroughs and game-changing ideas when I’m out on such an excursion.

But.

The reason that those breakthroughs and ideas happen is usually due to the fact that I’ve allowed my mind free time. I’ve allowed boredom and daydreaming and for my thoughts to wander where they will at random.

It’s amazing what can pop up when we allow our brains to do their own thing for a bit. It’s why so many ideas land on people while they’re in the shower.

Connections are made. Problems are solved. Ideas take shape.

But there’s no way to force this. There’s no way to prompt it.

We simply have to leave some blank space and then see what happens.

Sometimes that space will result in ideas or breakthroughs and sometimes it won’t. You never know.

At worst, we end up with a brain that got a bit of rest. Not such a bad deal, really.

So I invite you to broaden your definition of “productive” to include the things that add richness and meaning and joy to your life, regardless of whether they have a measurable outcome that makes money or not. And also to allow for some blank space for boredom and daydreaming and letting your mind wander at will.

I’d like to hear what that looks like for you, so hit reply and tell me- how do you define productive and where do you find some space in your days?

Stay curious out there!

P.S. I’m a little late this week, but I’ll be going live in The Curiosity Cabinet tomorrow at 12 noon EST. I hope you’ll join me for 10-15 minutes of talking a bit about embracing these ideas of re-defined productivity and the value of empty space in our lives!

Next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio podcast Wed., 1/30/19 at 8:30 PM: “How to Interrupt Frustrating Impasses and Standoffs with Your Spouse”

In this 30 minute episode I explore the frequently experienced issue of standoffs or impasses in marriage – those times when couples get “locked in” to a negative sequence when nobody feels heard or acknowledged, and nothing gets resolved. These “lock-in’s” can be about critical issues of importance or minor things, but the feelings of frustration, anger, and helplessness generally feel quite awful for each spouse.

Tune in to get some handy tools this couples therapist can teach you to interrupt the impasses, manage yourself more calmly, and move forward with your spouse in a more conciliatory manner.

Join me and have to option to be live on the air with questions or comments by calling toll-free 877-497-9046.

If you can’t make the live podcast you can stream it anytime at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager.

Blog Talk Radio Host

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About
Susan Lager

I am a licensed, board certified pyschotherapist and relationship coach in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Through my psychotherapy or coaching services, I can provide you with skills and tools to transform your life.

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