Couplespeak™ Blog

Who Controls the Money?

Awhile ago, I worked with a couple who had this conversation in a session:

“You know, sweetie, I decided that paying only $3500. for the bike I want would be a great deal! The electric bikes run about $5000 to $6000 average! We could finance it easily with your excellent credit, or just buy it outright. And we could ride up hills on and off road! It would be so handy and fun!”

“$4000 for a bike that doesn’t even require any exercise? Do you think I’m made of money?! We have loads of other, more important expenses coming up! And, why are you leaning so happily into old age? What’s wrong with using some muscles – and paying a fraction of the price – on my dime?!”

Guess who was the primary earner in this marriage? And guess who got their way…

Historically, husbands frequently provided the income and wives stayed home running the household and dealing with the kids. Although wives often managed the checkbook, their husbands often maintained control over the spending choices made. It was an efficient but unequal system in terms of power.

Today, spousal roles are usually more blurred, with both partners earning an income and both sharing household and child rearing roles. What often remains the same however, is the fact that the higher earner generally has more say about what and when money is spent on based on their own assignment of value to purchases – (hence the electric bike discussion).

Because fluid sharing of power seems so vital to modern day marriages, I encourage couples to look at their habits or practices that create a power imbalance. It often is most obvious in this financial realm where the perception of value to an expense gets more votes and credence from the top earner.

So, instead of arguing endlessly about what’s worth spending money on, I encourage couples to set up an “Ours, Yours, and Mine” account system which supports collaboration on joint spending and expenses, as well as individual prerogative and independence around non essential spending. Things like the mortgage, utilities, food and children’s needs would come from the joint account, which the couple would fund equally, but proportionately to their income. The separate accounts would be funded based on an agreed upon monthly amount, also equally and proportionately from each spouse’s income. That way, the husband who wanted to get an electric bike would fund it from his own account in his own time without it having to meet his wife’s “priority” test.

For other one-earner couples I’d encourage them to look at the subjectivity around discretionary expenses. What’s “worth it” to one, may not be to the other. Weighting that based on who makes the money can create a nasty power imbalance that can color the relationship, so better to take turns or negotiate out disagreements about what “we” spend or don’t.

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“The ABC’s of Financial Goal Setting” BlogTalk Radio Show Wed., 2/17/16 8:30 PM EST

Put this on your calendar and tune in!

In this 45 minute episode, my guest, Heather Brontas CFP, a popular financial advisor at Ameriprise Financial Services, shares key information about how we all need to manage the four major aspects of our financial lives. Heather is returning for another episode after her “Divorce and Money” show last year got such a huge listenership, so you don’t want to miss this one! People generally expect to pay big bucks for this kind of professional advice, so tune in and get 45 minutes of it for FREE and you’ll be on your way to realizing your goals for financial health and peace of mind!

Join the live conversation with questions or comments by calling 877-497-9046 on Wednesday, February 17th at 8:30 PM EST.

Can’t make the live show? Catch the recording at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager anytime afterward.

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Are You a Shopaholic? Take the Test Wednesday 11/18 on BlogTalkRadio 8:30 PM EST

If you’ve ever wondered if you have a shopping problem, or if it’s just benign “retail therapy,” and you’re readying for the holiday spending season, then this next BlogTalk Radio episode is just for you.

Tune into my next 30 minute BlogTalk Radio episode “Are You a Shopaholic? Take the Test Before the Holidays; Get 7 Tips for Help” – Wednesday, November 18th at 8:30 PM EST. Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with questions, comments or (horror?) stories. Learn about whether you may have Compulsive Buying Disorder, or if your 75 pairs of shoes is just a love of style.

If you can’t make the live show you can listen to the recording anytime afterward at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager

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8/5/15 BlogTalk Radio Episode 8:30 PM EST: “The Complications of Coupling: One Man’s Views”

Don’t miss this 45 minute episode! I’ll be interviewing Dr. Charles Rawlings, outspoken author of “It Really Is That Complicated – The Myths That Exist About Male-Female Relationships.” We’ll explore some of his controversial stances about relationships, and how, in his opinion, they center around control, manipulation and bartering.

Call 877-497-9046 to join in the conversation with questions or comments, or to just listen, tune in any time at www.BlogTalkRadio.com

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“Divorce And Money: What Couples On The Brink Of Divorce Need To Know” (BlogTalk Radio Show 4/9/14 8:30 PM EST)

If you and a spouse are contemplating a split, then you don’t want to miss this half hour BlogTalk Radio episode of mine! I’ll be co-hosting with Heather Brountas, a feisty and smart financial planner with Ameriprise, discussing vital issues around divorce and finances. We’ll deal with common myths people hold about this subject, the most common mistakes people make related to finances in a divorce, and some critical things to be aware of, to do the best planning and most fair division of assets.

Divorce is enough of an upheaval without adding ignorance and unnecessary panic to the process.

So tune in on Wednesday, April 9th at 8:30 PM EST for half an hour on  BlogTalk Radio.

Call toll-free 877-497-9046 to just listen in or to join us on the air with questions or comments. We welcome your participation.

*If you can’t make the live show, listen to the recording at: Divorce and Money: What Couples On The Brink Of Divorce Need To Know

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