Couplespeak™ Blog

What Do The Polls Say?

Have you had the experience of being so uncertain about what to do or think or feel about a particular subject that you go around to key people in your inner circle to ask for advice? My sense is that most people do this at times in relation to something really important or charged. It can be a validating or reassuring experience getting this kind of feedback: (What do others think? What would reasonable people do in this situation)?

There’s something quite different I see some people do with frequency. I call it “polling the peanut gallery,” or gathering opinions whenever there’s a feeling of self doubt or anxiety about a situation. Their fantasy is that there’s a “right” way to operate, and that other people know better what that is. In my experience professionally and personally, I see women more often doing this, maybe because the culture trains women to value connection, and isn’t so great at training women to value their own voices, or internal truths.

If you’re someone who routinely polls your own peanut gallery, chances are it doesn’t help you to develop more trust in your own feelings or perceptions. If the net effect of your polling is to create more confusion as you gather more opinions, than take some time to check in with yourself about what seems right for you, and leave the polling for the upcoming election instead!

Susan Lager

PS. Learn to say what you need. Find out more in my new communication workbook, “I’m Talking! Are You Listening?” Get it on Amazon at:

Go Easy On Yourself!


It all started with mean old, red-faced Miss Siegel, my first grade teacher who yelled at me whenever I didn’t put some project together properly. From that year on, I became officially “mechanically challenged”. To this day, operating the giant snow blower, or fancy new washing machine may as well be a secret assignment to decipher the DaVinci code. It often takes me three minutes just to figure out how to turn off the new TV, and the DVD player, not the streaming video. Don’t even ask what I’ve gone through manipulating HTML code, doing uploads, downloads, and distinguishing directories from folders in this bizarre internet world!!!  But the good (and not so good) news is:  I’m not alone! There are millions of us out there, swearing at the TV, staring at the washing machine, and having a love-hate relationship with their laptops. I’ve worked with many right-brained clients trapped in a left-brained world, wondering what’s wrong with themselves, stymied by online bills, ATM’s, and the ultimate mystery of resetting their car clocks. Over the years, our work together has been a combination of gentle self-acceptance, and self-challenge, i.e. where did this script come from? and how to push yourself outside your comfort zone to master new skills? Recently, I heard that Albert Einstein couldn’t tie his own shoe laces (!) So, go easy on yourselves, Right-brainers, maybe your car clock eludes you, but just think, you could instead create the NEW Theory of Relativity!

Goodnight and good luck,
Susan Lager

PS. Check out my latest video about thankfulness on YouTube! Susan Lager’s Youtube Channel

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Susan Lager

I am a licensed, board certified pyschotherapist and relationship coach in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Through my psychotherapy or coaching services, I can provide you with skills and tools to transform your life.

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