Listen to yourself and you’ll always be happy
Coaching requires the coach to spend a great deal of time listening the client. When appropriate, the coach will interject with a question. There are a number of reasons why the coach may choose to ask a particular question but quite often the question is saying one thing to the client – listen to yourself. It is important that the client does not just listen to the words they speak, but also to the way in which they say it and the feelings they experience when they say it. This is listening at a much deeper level than most people are used to. When you listen to yourself, you live your values and pursue your dreams. This is one of the most effective strategies for reducing stress and increasing personal happiness.
One day, a heart-warming message was posted on my Facebook page. My Australian friend, Marshall, had posted to tell me that he was enjoying his holiday in North America – the post was made from Vancouver. He wrote to thank me for encouraging him to take the plunge and follow his lifelong dream of visiting North America. It was clear from his message that Marshall was having the time of his life. I had previously spent a year in Australia, working with Marshall. During that time, he had told me many times of his desire to travel. I had offered lots of advice throughout the year but it could all be summed up with one phrase – listen to yourself.
While it is always nice to receive appreciation; I am afraid Marshall’s appreciation is largely unwarranted. For it was not me who inspired him, it was his own dreams. Marshall and I had often talked with our friends about travelling and about our experiences. Marshall was always keen to encourage us to fulfil our dreams. As the year moved on, I noticed a slight change in him. He began to talk more about the places he wanted to see and the things he wanted to do. It became clear to me that he had begun to listen to the advice that he was offering to others.
Marshall’s message reminded me of how I came to be in Australia in the first place. I had been working in Ireland when a colleague asked me for advice. He told me that his girlfriend had bought him a holiday to Egypt for his birthday. It was the one place that he had always wanted to go to. His concern was that he would have to give up his job – it was a summer job. We talked for a short while and he realised that he had to take the opportunity to go to Egypt. He thanked me for the advice and immediately handed in his notice. As he thanked me, my inner voice was screaming
listen to yourself. I had always wanted to go to New Zealand and Australia. I decided there and then that I needed to follow my own advice. 4 months later I had saved €4,000, acquired the necessary visas and was boarding a plane at Dublin airport. I was about to enjoy the best 2 years of my life.
We all like to offer advice to our friends but sometimes, when we are offering that advice from the depths of our heart, we are not just speaking to our friends, we are also speaking to ourselves. So, take the time to listen to yourself; it may be the wisest advice you ever receive.
In this 15 minute episode I’ll share my insights and experiences with the issue of cheap forgiveness – what it is, and how and when it may be adaptive as the best possible “solution” to emotional injury, vs. what the costs may be to the person bestowing it and to the relationship. I’ll give a mini “life lesson” on the larger issue of forgiveness and what the options may be when an offender isn’t repentant or available to a process of true repair around an emotional injury.
To join the episode live call 877-497-9046 to come on the air with your questions, comments or story. If you can’t make the live podcast you can listen to the recording afterward anytime at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager
However you tune in, don’t miss this important episode!
(Well, the lying-down position of this image you may be getting tells it all). Sometimes, despite your best efforts and highest expectations things just don’t turn out the way you’d hoped they would. In this case, I (once again), unwittingly took the shot sideways in the middle of aiming, and couldn’t get it to stand up straight afterward on my computer. It came out right side up for my husband on his laptop. Who knows what you’ll get…
(Am I the only one using an iPhone who does this with some frequency, or are there other directionally impaired picture-takers out there)???
The real subject of this post ironically, had to do with the the non-fit between the weather and the activity. Every Autumn I look so forward to cozy rituals with family and friends, like apple picking amidst the crisp air and gorgeous New England foliage. I DON’T look forward to roaming the orchards in humid 74 degrees with almost no foliage display in mid October. (Nor did my husband, wearing his lovely new flannel shirt!)
But here’s the point: Expectation, as per Buddhist teaching, can really set us up for problems. You want a rose, but get a marigold, then feel dejected, as though it wasn’t still a lovely flower! You want the whole New England leaf-peeping experience, then feel cheated when the temperature and foliage is more like an August day. Yet, you still get the apples and a day in the country with your loved one(s). So, I recommend that you learn to go with the flow, whether it’s a sideways photo or an apple picking event, take it for what it’s worth, have a good laugh, and enjoy being alive! (As my sister Marge says, “It’s certainly better than the alternative.”)………..
Don’t miss my next BlogTalk Radio show Wed. 8/24 8:00 PM: “3 Key Signs of Unfairness in Relationships and How to Fix Them”
Don’t miss my next BlogTalk Radio episode on Thursday, August 24th at 8:00 PM EST. It will be 20 minutes of discussion about the signs of unfairness in relationships, and how to remedy the situation.
Tune in live at 877-497-9046 to join me on the air with your questions or comments.
Don’t miss this 20 minute information-packed episode, especially if you’ve been accused of behaving unfairly, or if you’re on the receiving end of unfair treatment and don’t know how to handle it.
If you can’t make the live episode you can hear the recording at: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager
If you look carefully at this badge you’ll see that Feedspot has named my blog as one of the top 100 Marriage Counseling blogs on the internet! This is a big deal, as I seem to be in the company of some real big shots like John Gottman and Sue Johnson, world famous therapists and authors of several best selling books. Little ole me! (Here’s the list link, in case you think I’m pulling your leg): http://blog.feedspot.com/marriage_counseling_blogs/
This is an example of how when passion and determination intersect, you can accomplish things you never would have believed you could. In my case I started out not even knowing how to turn on a computer about ten years ago – really! But I was determined to share some things that I did know in an effort to market my business, and empower others through psychological information I’ve acquired about relationships.
In the process I discovered that I absolutely love to write, even though the writing may not always come out so smoothly. I also discovered that the technological functions needed to maneuver around a blog and website aren’t all rocket science! I taught myself how to upload and download, insert links and widgets, adjust different design elements, and even in some cases how to manage HTML code!
I must admit that some of my biggest meltdowns have been internet related, especially when I didn’t have a clue about what the problem was or how to fix it. A few years ago in the midst of writing a compelling blogpost I accidentally spilled a fresh white wine spritzer onto my laptop, and bang! Blogpost vaporized and no more laptop! So, it’s been a bit of a rocky road getting to this point, but there’s no stopping me now – I have so much I’ve learned over many years of working with individuals and couples, such great information I’ve accumulated through trainings and mentors, fantastic things I’ve learned from books and podcasts, and some real bits of wisdom I’ve picked up from other blogs. (Not to mention some vital life experiences of my own)…
So, whether your passion is writing, styling hair, building bridges, or breeding dogs, honor it with time, teachers and patience, and you’ll be giving yourself and others a precious gift.
PS. Another admission: I still haven’t figured out how to find the time to respond to the thousands of comments I get on my posts. Readers are so courteous, smart, helpful and supportive, and I hate the idea of using automated responses. It seems cold and rude. Time continues to be the enemy, as I also love my full time job as a psychotherapist, and am not about to give that up until they drag me away in a cart. So, if you’ve left an unanswered comment, please forgive me, but know how much your feedback means to me!
I do almost everything FAST. I walk fast. I eat fast. I talk fast. I think fast. Regrettably, I drive fast. When I moved to Maine from New York City I felt like I’d landed on the “Slow Planet.” Drivers on local roads coming from opposite directions would wind down from a frenetic 20 miles an hour to a dead stop, and have a conversation with each other while everyone behind them would wait patiently, never beeping their horns. (?) Cashiers at checkout counters would wrap every purchased item as though it was made of 14 karat gold, then fish around for the right bag, all while shooting the breeze with me. People on elevators would wait courteously while others filed out first – all in slow motion.
Where I came from in New York I was typical – everyone rushing around everywhere as though North Korea had finally launched an ICBM with a big warhead on it headed toward NYC. With millions of people around, it always felt normal and necessary to be quick on the draw! So the transition to the “Slow Planet” has been a challenge. Not only that, but in my line of work as a psychotherapist slow is often needed to be attuned. Clients don’t want to feel they’re playing “Beat the Clock” in their precious time with me, so I’ve had to be mindful of pace and intensity there as well.
The good news is that I’ve found an anti-zoom antidote to “Fast” through kayaking, which I’d highly recommend to everyone. Even though my kayak is capable of moving very quickly and efficiently through water it feels like an oxymoron to be doing “fast” there. What’s the rush? There’s no email or texts calling, as service if often nil, no laundry, no dishes, no blogposts, no bills, no nothing except the beauty of the water, the mysteries under the surface, the cottages on the shore, the breeze, and the lapping, rhythmic sound of my paddle pushing me gently forward. Unless you’re an olympic contender for “speed kayaking,” (don’t think that actually exists….), there’s no point in being fast when you’re in that realm. Calm reigns and stress is quieted. Reflection and being present in the moment is natural. I’m finally home, and you will be too, where “Slow” is the gift……
[email protected] 603-431-7131
So, here I am on our boat celebrating the end of Winter, a missing Spring, and now…. Summer! But wait – today we’re all hiding out indoors escaping the scorching 94 degree temps outside! This is a classic case of “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!” or “Be flexible! Regroup!”
When weather dishes out doozies like it has been here in New England, sometimes the best you can do is “reframe”:
– On another rainy day in June: Great opportunity to do book work and seasonal clothing hauls.
– On another 50 degree day in June: Great time to do the mulching and other backbreaking yard work you’d never do in the heat. Also great time to do all the cooking and baking which calls to you.
– On a 94 degree Monday when you’re “off” work: Great time to write blog posts, post radio shows and catch up on emails, not to mention play your guitar and read a book before midnight. Who’d want to be indoors doing that when it’s glorious outside?
So, as the old adage goes, “When nature gives you lemons, make LOADS of lemonade!”
Tune into this 30-40 minute episode I’ll be co-hosting with a unique relationship mentor, Valerie Greene, who helps couples to stop fighting and fall in love again, and who helps women inspire their husbands or partners into deeper love and intimacy, not relational dread. Providing a highly successful alternative to relationship therapy, Valerie helps women and couples move beyond problem-solving and communication skills to create a secure emotional CONNECTION.
Tune into this special episode to learn more from Valerie about how to transform relationship conflict into deeper intimacy, avoiding the relational moves that repel love. Join us live with your questions or comments by calling into the studio at: 877-497-9046. If you can’t make the live show simply go to: www.BlogTalkRadio.com/SusanLager to hear the recording afterward.