Sisterly Love

Posted on May 20, 2013 by Susan Lager

I’m just returning from a whirlwind weekend in NYC with my little sister, Laura. We went to galleries, an amazing museum, tooled all around the city window shopping, people watching, eating ethnic food, and yakked till 5 AM each night the way only sisters who love each other can. Of course, I couldn’t resist the urge to coach her on ways to improve her life, and her relationship with herself. She in return nurtured me with 5 star hotel type service and thoughtfulness. What a joy it is for me to have sisters (I have two) whom I love and enjoy!

If you’re lucky enough to have a sister or two of your own, remember they’ll always be there with and for you, if you allow them to, so count your blessings and treasure them!

 

Posted in Family, Gratitude, Having fun, Love | Leave a comment

Getaways And Your Sanity

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Susan Lager

At this writing, I’m on a C & J express bus to my old stomping ground, New York City, for a weekend with my little sister. I’m a strong believer in short getaways as a way of refueling, particularly if the getaway gets you away from your spouse for awhile. That may sound cold, but sometimes a little space has a big positive impact on a marriage. How, you ask?

1. You reconnect with separate friends and relatives on your own without worrying about the mix with a spouse who may not share your enthusiasm for jewelry shopping, lattes, and schmoozing.

2. You re-experience your individual selves which brought you two together. My husband will probably be doing yard work till midnight, watching the news for hours each morning, eating no vegetables except for vodka (made from potatoes), puttering around his workshop, answering no calls, and fondling his new camera he’s afraid of using. He’ll be in Introvert Heaven. I’ll be tooling around the city with my baby sister, bossing her around, buying makeup and doodads, going to museums if it rains, people watching, yakking with strangers, and eating every ethnic thing in sight. I’ll be in Extrovert Heaven.

3. You break up the sometimes oppressive routine of your life with more consciousness. In my case, I was amazed to see how many vitamins and creams and solutions and meds I take on any given day just to go on living! I could barely fit it all in my suitcase! I like to think of myself as robust and traveling lightly on this Earth. Apparently, not so….

4. You appreciate all the comforts of home in a renewed way. I don’t usually get excited about having a level, stable surface to type on, but today, with the bus jiggling and swaying, I’m realizing how special it is to have tables and desks to put my laptop on, and not worry it will go flying off into the yonder. Small things…..

5. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because I’m a bit morbid and fatalistic, I don’t presume I’ll make a safe return from ANYWHERE, so I kissed my husband goodbye four times, and hugged him as though I was leaving for a tour of duty in Afghanistan. And now that the bus is approaching the slums of the city limits, I miss him already….. :-|

Happy weekend,

Susan Lager

PS. Get a still early copy of my new book, now newly anointed with the Couplespeak™ trademark! If you live long enough, it may be considered an important 21st century artifact! On Amazon:

http://amzn.to/WBK83q

“Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy”

 

 

Posted in Balance, Gratitude, Having fun, Marriage, Reflection, Self care | Leave a comment

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Susan Lager

 

Right about now, every year I think I should probably pack up my pajamas, grab a cot and move into Home Depot. Come Spring, every free minute gets chewed up by trips to H.D. to get countless bags of mulch, new rakes, river stones, grass seed, bug spray, weedkiller, pavers, sand, annuals, fertilizer, loam, paint and various kinds of rented equipment like powerwashers, sodcutters and the like. And that’s just for the outside of the house!

It’s very easy to get totally overwhelmed reflecting on the dollars spent making Home Depot richer. It’s also depressing to see how each year it gets harder to recoup at night after the backbreaking home and garden toil. But as my husband and I hobble around for a garden walk afterward, scanning the fruits of our (slave) labor, we invariably “ooh” and “ah” in delight at the beautiful, orderly outcome. That’s the point where I also swear I’ll never do the mulching myself again, and where he takes an oath about never re-seeding the lawn himself again. We promise each other we’ll keep that promise. Till next Spring….

Posted in Life's curveballs, Self care, Setting limits, Stress | Leave a comment

BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 8:30 PM EST: “Open Communication”

Posted on April 24, 2013 by Susan Lager

Don’t miss my next BTR episode, “Open Communication” tonight at 8:30 PM EST! It’s a short, half hour show all about key pointers to foster closer conversations leading  to more understanding between partners.

Open communication is partly about timing and the subject matter, but more importantly, about the use of language. Tune into this show and learn some vital tips in this area.

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to just listen or to join me on the air with questions or comments. Hope you can make it!

Susan Lager

Posted in Communication, Difficult conversations, Openness, Programs, Tools | Leave a comment

Gone Fishing (Again!)

Posted on April 21, 2013 by Susan Lager

I’m a very regimented person. I get up at the same time each day, do the morning teeth and face cleanse, make a cup of coffee, balance my accounts, pay some bills, answer my voicemail, check my email, do some dishes, dead-head the garden flowers, make my lunch, do a workout, watch the news, eat the same breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, drive to my office, see some clients, return more voicemails, grab the same lunch, see more clients, answer more voicemails, schmooze with colleagues, drive home, make some calls, change clothes, go for a garden walk, have some dinner with my husband, watch more news, watch a TV episode, do some writing, do some reading, and go to bed. Then it all starts and ends the same way the next day until the weekend when it’s a different, slightly more exotic routine.

I’m also very governed by “shoulds” like, “I should keep appointments”, “I should work out six days a week”, “I should be more patient”, “I should always be learning”, “I should write in my blog”, “I should write another article”, “I should work on my next book”, “I should finish my membership site”, I should prepare for my radio show”, “I should get my finances ready for the accountant and Quickbooks”, “I should go to more plays and concerts”, “I should answer my Facebook messages”, “I should volunteer”, “I should go back to Italy”, “I should lose twenty pounds”, “I should be a better friend, sister, mother, and wife”, “I should exfoliate more often”, “I should talk more slowly”, “I should stretch daily”, “I should clean the refrigerator”.  (On and on, and on, and on…..) It’s a wonder I’m not depressed!

So, I’ve challenged all my “shoulds,” and given myself a break from blogging, writing, etc. to be outside this Spring “enjoying” hauling mulch, spreading stones, raking, planting and painting. (Ain’t life grand!) I’ve once again put up a sign saying, “Gone Fishing”!!!!!!!!

If any of this “good girl” routine sounds familiar to you, remember that sometimes, for some of us, “goofing off” and “breaking the rules” is a good thing.

I should go to bed,

Susan Lager

Posted in Balance, Having fun, Self care | Leave a comment

Staying In The Couplespeak™ Game

Posted on April 4, 2013 by Susan Lager

As a couples therapist I routinely talk to my clients about the ambiguous road ahead of them in working on repairing and enriching their relationships. The work is generally fraught with uncertainty and likely setbacks, as is the case with most hard earned changes. This discussion always involves the issue of what each partner needs to “stay in the game,” or what would they minimally require of themselves and each other to maintain hope, energy and good faith in the process.

What each of us needs to “stay in the game” applies to any endeavor which doesn’t produce immediate lovely results. Last week, after three years of often grueling work, I received my official documentation awarding me the trademark for the name “Couplespeak.” I had invented the name for a division of my company which would provide coaching products and services live and online. Getting the trademark with proprietorial rights to the name required me to write books, articles, eBooks, develop workshops, training programs, blogs, videos, a BlogTalk Radio program, and to manage multiple internet platforms.

Mind you, all the while I’ve had a full time private psychotherapy practice, and started with very little interest in the internet and tech devices three years ago. But I loved the name “Couplespeak,” and believed that if I could live long enough I could grow it into something really significant. The whole process required that to finish, I stay in the game, the Couplespeak game. I had to devise ways of making myself accountable, and maintaining my passion for the project. I had to enlist the support of my friends and family. I had to learn when to take breaks and when to force myself back into the effort. Just as anyone requires in any big, meaningful project, I needed to keep up my faith in myself, and my faith in the work itself. And now, just as anyone would, I’ll need to allow this “finish” to become the remarkable start of something else, a new game…..

Best Regards,

Susan Lager

www.SusanLager.com

PS.  For copies of my new books about staying sane in the relationship game, go to Amazon:  http://amzn.to/12ALenB  



Posted in Asking for support, Collaboration, commitment, self awareness, Self care, Self trust, Strategizing, Tools | Leave a comment

BlogTalk Radio show “The Power of an Apology” 3/27 8:30 PM EDT

Posted on March 27, 2013 by Susan Lager

Don’t miss tonight’s half hour show about such a hot topic!

Call in toll-free at 877-497-9046 to join me live on the air with

questions, comments or just to listen in.

Posted in Apologies, Difficult conversations, Tools, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Conscious Relationships – How Awake Are You?

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Susan Lager

 

I have recently come out of my annual tax trance – the time of year when I’m so immersed in columns of figures and tabulations that a meteor could hit the house and I’d barely notice it. Luckily, my impression is that this oblivious state seems to abate in mid March when I return to my usual therapist’s occupational hazard of incessantly questioning and noticing things.

I like to think that I’m generally pretty committed to a process of self-examination, particularly in my relationships. It’s a daily practice, though, to do this, kind of like working out or maintaining good sleep habits. Like sobriety, it’s easy to fall off the wagon and go back into a behavioral and attitudinal trance at any point, so I’ll share a few of the 20 key questions I’ve devised that you can reflect upon in order to be more awake in your relationships:

  1. What am I most insecure about?
  2. What defenses do I use to protect myself emotionally?
  3. How might these defenses be hurtful to others?
  4. Are there other, more benign defenses I could use?
  5. Do I apologize when I’ve been out of line? If so, how?
  6. Do I self-medicate with substances? If so, how, when, and with whom?
  7. What would happen if I were more open?
If you start with these questions, and are honest with yourself about what you see, I think you’ll open up a process of taking more responsibility for yourself, and move toward being more awake in your relationships. For more details about the other 13 key “consciousness questions,” as well as a wealth of information about how to thrive in all your partnerships, grab a copy of my new workbook, “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime Of Therapy” available in paperback, and now also as an eBook on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/12ALenB 

I know you’ll enjoy it!

Susan Lager

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Tax Time Crazies – Same Insanity, New Year…..

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Susan Lager

(It’s been almost a year since I entered this post, but I’m submitting it AGAIN to make a painful point: This part of our lives seems to never change! The only major difference I’ve noted in this department was the year I hired a new accountant, one with a great sense of humor who helps me laugh at all this, just a bit. I refer to hiring Gene as a huge “emotionally corrective experience.” But as for the rest of it, I’d rather eat glass). Read on and see why…..

Every year starting in March, and going through April 15th, most everyone I know, myself included, gets weirded out about taxes. Preparing them for the accountant, realizing all the money spent on ridiculous things, waiting to find out the verdict about what’s owed or what, if anything will be refunded, then PAYING FOR IT! Most dining room tables have long been lost to piles of papers, documenting finances for the past year. Some tables, I hear, have remained in “tax mode” for years!

It’s a little bit like pregnancy and childbirth. The buildup is literally and figuratively huge, the event is unnerving, but then, thankfully it’s over and forgotten – until the next time around.

The one consolation is that you are not alone. Thousands and thousands of people procrastinate to the very end when dealing with taxes. (I have clients who were just beginning the whole process this week!) Thousands more are checking their mailboxes daily to get the package back from the accountant telling them if they’re screwed or not. (I see at least one neighbor doing this each day.)

Everyone moans about it. Nobody has a viable alternative though, if you like having drivable roads, safe bridges, public schools, and such things.

My best advise? Remind yourself that:

1. This is the un-fun part of being an adult.

2. This too shall pass - at least until next year…….

Cheers,

Susan Lager

Posted in Life's curveballs, Self pity, Stress | Comments Off

“Surviving and Thriving After Trauma With A Partner’s Support” BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight 2/27 8:30 PM EST

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Susan Lager

Don’t miss my next BTR episode, “Surviving and Thriving After Trauma With A Partner’s Support” airing tonight, 2/27 8:30 PM EST.

I’ll be co-hosting with Michele Rosenthal, PTSD specialist and author of the critically acclaimed PTSD recovery book, Before The World Intruded.

We’ll be discussing Michele’s personal journey through trauma, and focusing on the strategies she used to help her overcome PTSD. We’ll also be exploring reasonable expectations and appropriate roles for partners in this process.

Call in toll-free 877-497-9046 at 8:30 PM EST to just listen, or to join us on the air with questions or comments.


Hope you can join us!

Posted in Courage, Emotional safety, Programs, Self care, Tools, Trauma | Comments Off

Tucking In

Posted on February 18, 2013 by Susan Lager

Have you ever spent a weekend in solitude, tucked in doing various kinds of self care? If not, I’d recommend that you try it sometime, especially if your daily life / work involves intense contact with lots of people, (like my work as a psychotherapist).

I seem to spend one weekend in an extroverted mode, going places and doing things which involve a lot of social contact, then the next weekend living like a hermit, attending to the long personal ”to do” list. This weekend I barely went outdoors, except for a few hot tubs, and an excursion to bring out the garbage! Instead, I tucked in yesterday during the snow, reading and writing in front of a roaring fire, cooking, doing book work, having a lovely workout in my gym, and visiting briefly with family when they were here. I thought about going for a snowshoe hike, but that seemed like too much work in the wind and the cold.

Today was equally lovely – up late, a long, Pilates workout, writing letters, answering emails, doing laundry, petting the cat, and just hanging out!

If you can overcome some negative self-talk about behaving like a sloth, the whole idea of slowing down and “going internal” can be absolutely delicious. Everything in our world is geared to rushing around and packing multiple things into a “productive” day. I find it oppressive at times. I’d definitely recommend reconnecting with yourself in a quiet, caring way, with some regularity. Just remember to brush your teeth and get some exercise, and you’ll be fine……. ;-)

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Here Comes The Snow!

Posted on February 8, 2013 by Susan Lager

So far, about ten inches of fluffy white snow, lots of wind, freezing temperature, but the power is still on! Life in New England is never boring. Here we all sit, tucked in, waiting for at least another 1 1/2 feet of snow during the blizzard of 2013 as Spring is supposedly around the corner.

My brother-in-law Joe says, “Move to Florida and have other things to talk about except the unpredictable weather! Enjoy 80 degree sunshine almost every day!”

I say, “How boring! We love our tumultuous weather, and our ritual hand-wringing about shoveling, freezing our butts, losing our power, and cherishing our generators! Besides, if I moved to Florida, I’d be surrounded by traffic, people and buildings everywhere! We’re New Englanders! We love our mountains, our forests, our ocean, our countryside, our changing seasons, our history, our lobster, our accents, our fireplaces, our N’oreasters, and even our “almost Spring blizzards”!

(Now, this weekend as my family heads up to Sunday River to tackle the slopes covered with a fresh two feet of snow, hopefully my adventurous spirit will prevail, I won’t have heart failure being back on skis for the first time in ten years since my knee gave out, and I’ll remember my own speech about how lovely it is to be wild in New England)……

Here’s to the white stuff,

Susan Lager

PS.  Don’t forget to get an early copy of my new book, “Become Relationship Smart Without A Lifetime of Therapy.” I think you’ll really like it! It’s available on Amazon at: http://amzn.to/WBK83q


Posted in Gratitude | Comments Off